I made an exciting discovery. The longer I walked with God in my sexuality, the clearer it became to me that he had really given me an answer to the why-question of pornography consumption: I was consuming porn because my soul was under so much pressure. The addiction was a reflection of my soul’s desires. My longing for power and control was, for example, reflected in the amount of consumption. The more anxious I was, the more frequently I watched porn and the more hard-core the pornography I watched became. The greater my felt need for closeness, the more tender and romantic they were. The supposed benefit from watching porn was that I never had to talk to anyone about the condition of my soul. I could satisfy my needs right away. I could feed them, ask for forgiveness quickly and then just keep going. The list of things that I was compensating for with this addition just kept getting longer. It soon included things like boredom, sadness or a sense of inferiority – in the internet you can find it all. But then God said to me:

He confronted me with my self-sufficiency and offered to be the shepherd of my soul. He wanted to be the one who supplied what I lacked.

Write down why you consume pornography and look deeper within. Invite God to accompany you through this process. Ask him to reveal to you what your real longings and needs are. Then write down what God showed you and seal the whole thing with a prayer.